The Ugly Truth

I'm 23 years old and I'm getting a divorce. 

It took some time before I could ever even get those words out of my mouth.  Before it was, "we're just spending time apart", and then onto "I'm separated", and now onto the words I never thought I'd hear myself say;  "I'm getting a divorce."

Before I even get started, I want to make it clear that I am not here to bash him.  By my lack of posts and Instagram postings, some of you have caught on.  I've talked with my family and friends, but sometimes all I want to do is just write about it.  I've contemplated for some time about posting this, it's been a draft since December of last year. Not that it's anyone's business but mine and his, I just needed to get this off my chest so that maybe unanswered questions will be answered to some concerned people.

R and I had been together since I was 16 years old.  The share of the same last name is what started our conversation, and it wasn't long until we started talking more and more and eventually dating.  R was in college when I was still in high school, so seeing each other was limited to the weekends where we often worked together.  We were inseparable.  That's all I can say to describe the first four years.

At a very young age,  I promised myself I wouldn't get married until I had my degree.  It wasn't just because I wanted to be able to support myself if anything happened, but because getting a degree takes time...time needed to grow up, mature, and learn about life in addition to beginning your career.  Things that are supposed to happen before you get married.  Or at least that's how I envisioned it.  But, at 19 years old I said "yes" at Disney World when he asked me to be his wife.

I thought at 19 I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but at 19 I didn't even know what I was going to eat for lunch.  Would it have changed things now if I had said no?  Only God knows.  R and I were at different stages of our lives then, and we continued to be on different stages through out our marriage.  I guess I never caught up.  

There were bad times, none I will ever go into detail about, but there were also good times.  Good times that I will always have memories of, that no one can take away, that made me grow as a person.
However, during this year long separation I have grown and matured in a way I never thought possible either. Yet, I have also slipped and I have hit my "rock bottom" but I have never given up on myself.  Because for once, I have put myself first, and that's all I'm concerned with right now.

My Daddy told me once "Sometimes people come into your life for a purpose, and when that purpose is served you have to be okay with letting them go."  I was a teenager then, and I didn't understand or believe him then but I do now.  R will always be a stepping stone in my life, and for that I am grateful that the hard times accompanied the good.  I say this with the utmost respect, I would not be the woman I am today had I not spent over 7 years of my life with him.

Looking back I don't regret a single decision I made because I wouldn't be where I am today.  I do not have any ill feelings towards him and I genuilly want nothing but the best for him in his future endeavours and pray that the Lord will sorround him with love and place peace in his heart.

I may or may not be back to blogging.

Some of my friends have described me as being shy when I first meet someone.  I don't talk to you just because you're sitting next to me, but if you approach me first I'm basically an open book.  With that being said, I typically don't talk about my faith voluntarily.  However, if someone asks me... I tell them about my God.  Last night, I saw this quote whilst  studying   procrastinating   on Pinterest and couldn't help but make my own image and share with you what it means to me. 

This hits so hard, not only as a Christian, but also as a future nurse.  As a student, you're normally blinded when you enter the clinical setting for the first time.  What you have studied and forced yourself to do step by step isn't what you actually see be done by every nurse, every time. Here in my happy, little invincible bubble, I get a little heart broken when I see not so happy things happen. I haven't lived a sheltered life at ALL. Trust me. I wasn't the teenager you wanted your kids to be around, remember ? Since, I've "grown up" I've tried to find the good in everyone and  believe that everyones tries to lives by the golden rule.  Well, my bubble was finally busted after a year of nursing school. 

I've witnessed a few things that I don't want to be necessarily associated with in the clinical setting already. As nurses, it's not our place to judge. It's our place to care for, comfort, and teach that patient. Just as it is our place as Christians to care for one another, comfort, and spread the good word. I'm not perfect by any means. Your strength is probably my struggle. It's easy to want to focus on and point out other's mistakes when we're struggling ourselves. Even if you appear to have a picture perfect life, everyone has a struggle... regardless if it's noticeable or not. It's important to remember we're people from all walks of life, and we haven't all been dealt the same hand or blessed with the same opportunities. 

We shouldn't care why or how a patient could do something destructive to themselves, just as we shouldn't judge someone for their preferences or decisions they may make. But, we can pray that they know what forgiveness is, that God will influence their mind and hearts, and that your compassion will speak volumes.  We can find out why our "frequent flyer" patient is not complying with their medication regimen with the intent to help.  We can teach them prevention, offer advice on useful tips and techniques, or simply provide resources that can better be useful for that particular patient. We can't assume every patient knows the pathophysiology, clinical manifestations, or complications that can occur with their disease.  Just because we have a medical education doesn't mean they do too.  Just as we can't assume every person knows right from wrong, or believes that there is a heaven or hell.  But we can share our testimonies, answer their questions or find someone who can, and just offer ourselves.

As important as we think we are, when it is all said and done, our opinions don't matter. But God's does. We're lucky that he loves us enough to give us a choice. Only God can decide who makes it into his kingdom, our only service is to witness to and love them as Jesus loves us. 

The struggles I've been faced with lately could knock me down and easily turn out for the worst.  But as each day goes by, I'm learning better ways to deal with them.  I think this was one of them.  I guess you can say I'm back to blogging now. 

P.S. thank you Aubrey for the font freebies