Be you.

So, I did in fact fall off the side of the earth.  And in my opinion, for perfectly good reasons.  I not only quit blogging, I quit doing a lot of things I used to do.  Every day I'm discovering more and more about myself that I never thought would be imaginable.  I'm feeling a little Carrie Bradshaw these days.

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I thought I loved this, I thought I loved that.  This once made me happy but now it just makes me want to barf. I put myself out there just to be shut down. I don't give myself enough credit half the time, I'm a lot stronger than I think apparently because I know God would never give me something I couldn't handle. I came to the realization that I've lived my entire life making someone else happy. Am I being selfish? Perhaps. But you only have one life, and I'm most certainly going to make mine count. I've got dreams, I've got flaws, and I've got a whole mess of crap to talk about. trust me when I say, this bird you can not change. 

This post is semi pointless and I'm just rambling, I know. But these days, I'm just trying to survive nursing school with my head ABOVE water on top of everything else going on.  I go to school, I go to clinicals, I study, I work, and I sleep.  That's about it.  I've become a hermit, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.  I am pretty much bad at every life/social role there is imaginable. When things get hard, I shut down and depend on time to heal it all.  But, I'm a good student. and that's about all I've got going for me.  I may let a lot of relationships fall off the side of the earth, but I pray I never lose the ability to strive to learn. I pray I never stop wanting to push myself as far as I can go.  I want nothing more than to finish nursing school, begin my career, and go back to school for more.

I'm so thankful nursing school brought me some of the best friends that understand me to the core and push me when I need it and talk me down when I don't.  We spend just about every moment of every day together.  We break down, we piss each other off, we lift each other up. and that's when you really get to know someone. 

 Sometimes you fall off the wagon, but we do what we have to do to get each other through.
That's what life is all about, and that's when you really get to know yourself.

Today's the best day to do some random rambling post and attempt to not neglect blogging because it's 

and I may not necessarily be backing it up like most of you,
but I am listening to the song that connects me and my Daddy at the soul.



The past few months have been unimaginable, but I listen to this song and all is right in the world. I miss my family more than words, but all I have to do is look down at my wrist, see my Daddy's handwriting, and I'm reminded of who I am.

sassy, classy, white trashy, and smart assey.

It's OK Thursday still, dawg.

So, one of my favorite link ups used to be It's OK Thursday with Amber...but it ended a few months ago.  With all that's going on in my life, I feel it be necessary to tell you WHAT I'M OK WITH.  For the sake that I haven't posted in almost 2 weeks because
a) there are not enough cuss words to write about what's going on
b) it's not even worth saying
c) I've been busy as a beeeeeeeee!


So, guess what, it's almost 2am and that's ok.

It's OK...

• that I have class in 6 hours and I haven't gone to bed
• that I run away from my problems, and take trips home every chance I get
• that I still can't accept Kidd Kraddick died :(
• that I release stress at the batting cages
  
  
  
• that I spend almost less than zero time following anyone on any form of social media or blogging while I deal with my junk
• that I haven't washed my hair in a few days
• that I bought Blurred Lines on iTunes just so I can make it the ringtone for my alarm... EVERYBODY GET UP!
• that you're probably about to do the same thing... it works, you're welcome
• that I'm actually excited for a full 8 hours of class tomorrow
• that I crave structure and never let myself rest
  
• 
  
  
  
  
  
• that I miss home more than anything and I'm counting down the Christmases until I'm out of this place
• that I still have trouble communicating emotions
• that I'm going to bed with my makeup on
• that I need new episodes of Duck Dynasty in my life
• that I read bible verses and inspirational quotes from my favorite historical men on a DAILY basis 
• that I get most of my nutrition from coffee, cheerios, and fiber one bars these days
• that I wish I could be on the Today Show with KLG so she could just tell me "this is how you lose your reputation, one shot at a time" as I shoot a Jameson and chase it with wine
• that this might be the last post for awhile...

Follow your arrow

I don't always like to put my personal business out there, but sometimes you can't just help but want to vent.  Especially when you run a lifestyle-ish blog.  I'm pretty good at suppressing my feelings these days.  When I was younger, if something was wrong the entire world knew it.  Not because I was out for attention, but because I just didn't know how to act.  I didn't know how to accept life with the ups and downs, I didn't understand  God's reasons when I didn't see them, I didn't know how to be a big girl and deal with anything.  

As a child, I experienced my parents getting a divorce, my sweet Grammy dying too early in her life, and of course my first heart break in high school. In the past couple of years, Robert and I have survived 2 deployments. I moved to an entire new state by myself while he was deployed the first time and I didn't have any family or best friends within 4 hours of me.  I've started a new big girl job, I worked and studied full time to get into the nursing program, and now I'm in the most important program that will get me to the first step of my career.  

I'm not ashamed to admit this, because it's human;

 I care what people think about me.  JUST BECAUSE. 

I've contemplated back and forth on whether or not I should continue after this degree and get my Doctorate.  I've contemplated on whether or not I want to move to a big city or go back home to my roots in the country.  I can't decide on what to wear sometimes because it can look a little too flashy, or maybe a little too grungy.  I can't decide if I want to let my hair go natural on a Monday, or lose a little sleep to straighten it. I watch my tongue around some people, because God forbid my white trashy side come out at the wrong time. I mean the list can go on and on when it comes to the things I think about and actually consider in my head.  

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I think there comes a point in your life when you just get tough skin.  When you stop letting the small stuff affect your mood and you basically just suck it all up.  You learn to stop caring what people think and you learn to do what the hell you want. I've come to realize that there's not always tomorrow, and the problems you have today aren't going to matter to you in 10 years. At the end of the day, all you have is you.  You're all that matters.

So do what you want to do.  Be who you want to be. 

This song by Kacey Musgraves,  man this song

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.  

So you might as well just do whatever you want. 

 Every time I hear it, I think of my Grammy.  There's not a day that goes by that I wish I couldn't pick up the phone and hear her voice.  She was a woman of God without a doubt, but when I hear this song I just hear her.  She died when I was 14, so it kills me she isn't around for the hard stuff. Ya know, the "real world" stuff.  I'm thankful for the 14 years she blessed me with her presence.

Today would have been her 71st birthday. 

And today, from this moment on, I'm going to start living the life I know she would be proud of.  I'm done with the bull crap.  I'm done with the people who bring pure negativity into my life.  I'm done with the people who bring me down more than bring me up.  I'm living my life for me. Because if my Grammy had one last birthday wish to make, I know it would be for my happiness.

I know she would wish for me to be content and follow my arrow. 

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel.
I love you more than all of the stars in the sky.

If I could have saved you,
you would have lived forever.

Sinners like me

I want to dedicate this #backthatazzupFriday to the greatest man I could ever imagine God picking as my father.

Let's just get straight to the point, everyone loves my Daddy.  He knows no stranger and you can guarantee he is best friends with all of my best friends.  I drink with my Daddy, I smoke with my Daddy, and I raise hell with my Daddy.  Although I love my husband dearly, my Daddy will always be  number one in my heart for making me the person I am today.

Growing up, I didn't always get to see my Daddy as often as we both would like. You see back in the day, my Daddy served this great country of ours. He also had a few too many wives to deal with, but that's besides the point.  He got stationed at Nellis Air Force base in Las Vegas, Nevada before I entered middle school. And that's when Ashley the train wreck nearly started.

Sneaking out and running my Mom's car into the garage door, fighting on the school bus after school, sneaking out to smoke and drink with my friends all night, not getting to play varsity softball because I skipped school and failed due to absences, skipping school and racing my truck down the dirt road and fish tailing into a fence. You know it, I did it. Was I a bad kid? Yes. Was I a bad kid because my Daddy wasn't around to give me the azz whooping of a lifetime that I deserved? Maybe. Was I a bad kid because it's in my genes? Without a freaking doubt.  My Momma, she's an angel, and I thank my lucky stars she never killed me for all of the ridiculous, wreck less, and down right stupid things I did as a kid and teenager. She did the best she could, but I was out of control.

My Daddy moved back from Las Vegas my last two years of high school after he retired, but I still continued to raise hell. That is until the day I walked down to the hallway to the principals office and I saw my Daddy's orange Harley Davidson jacket sleeve from the door way. My heart stopped. What in the world was I to do? My Momma did a good job at hiding a lot of the stupid things I did from my Dad. But, this was it. I was on the verge of not making it to my senior year if I didn't straighten up.

There's a few things in life that can occur that will result in me feeling like I'm just scum on the ground.  Disappointing my Father is one of those things. I guess I never thought about what would happen if he found out about all of the stupid things I had done. I would rather take a million whippings, be grounded for the rest of my life, whatever it may be. I'd take it all, I just can't stand the feeling knowing how disappointed he is in me. And he knows that's all he has to say. I'm not mad at you Ash, I'm just disappointed.  Boy, did it cut like a knife.

For the next two years,  my Daddy and I got closer than ever before. It wasn't about punishing me anymore, it was about bonding. It was about instilling the values in me that make me a person in society, it was about helping me grow into a responsible adult, and it was about reminding me the lessons he taught me as a child when I first lied to him.

The grass is green, the sky is blue, and life's too short. 

So do the right thing 'cause it's the right thing to do.  

My Daddy never got to have a son, but between me and my sister I'm pretty sure we gave him the experience he would have had if we were boys.  At my sister's wedding, she picked the most spot on song to dance with Daddy to.  It wasn't your traditional "make everyone cry" song.  It was a song that speaks truth. Pure truth. 

Recently, Dad and I took a road trip up to Virginia together and we played this song on repeat for a good thirty minutes. So, for #backthatazzupFriday it must be played again and dedicated to my Daddy on Father's Day.

I'll never get tired of you telling me your stories or asking you for advice, and I'm thankful you never let me down despite the hell I raised.  I love you to the moon and back! Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

Friday's Letters

Linking up for Friday's Letters 

Dear Weekend, I'm so glad you are here. Let's recover from this nursing school week of HELL.

Dear Louisiana, my heart is with you today and always. My heart is always home. My heart is always with my family.  

Dear cheap cather kit, you're ridiculous, yet sterile. I promise to treat you better next check off. I promise to make sure you are in tip toppy shape before I got waltzing in there like a boss. Because the next check off, I will dominate. You have been warned. Dear Library, you and me need to spend more time together, obviously.  Dear Army, thanks for allowing 4 days and for bringing Kayla's husband home for R&R. Dear Liz, you're not allowed to buy full size doritos anymore and allow me to take them home.  They're being eaten. Right. Now. Never. Again.

Dear Husband, thank you. Thank you for spending Valentine's Day with me on the couch, eating pizza, downing drinking wine, and watching a scary movie. There is no other way I'd want to spend it.

Dear Jesus, thank you for loving me. Thank you for getting me through this week. Please watch over my family and wrap your loving arms around them right now. Kiss Chloe Lane for me. 

Dear followers, thanks for following. Have a good weekend!

xoxo,