Saturday, May 10, 2014

The Ugly Truth

I'm 23 years old and I'm getting a divorce. 

It took some time before I could ever even get those words out of my mouth.  Before it was, "we're just spending time apart", and then onto "I'm separated", and now onto the words I never thought I'd hear myself say;  "I'm getting a divorce."

Before I even get started, I want to make it clear that I am not here to bash him.  By my lack of posts and Instagram postings, some of you have caught on.  I've talked with my family and friends, but sometimes all I want to do is just write about it.  I've contemplated for some time about posting this, it's been a draft since December of last year. Not that it's anyone's business but mine and his, I just needed to get this off my chest so that maybe unanswered questions will be answered to some concerned people.

R and I had been together since I was 16 years old.  The share of the same last name is what started our conversation, and it wasn't long until we started talking more and more and eventually dating.  R was in college when I was still in high school, so seeing each other was limited to the weekends where we often worked together.  We were inseparable.  That's all I can say to describe the first four years.

At a very young age,  I promised myself I wouldn't get married until I had my degree.  It wasn't just because I wanted to be able to support myself if anything happened, but because getting a degree takes time...time needed to grow up, mature, and learn about life in addition to beginning your career.  Things that are supposed to happen before you get married.  Or at least that's how I envisioned it.  But, at 19 years old I said "yes" at Disney World when he asked me to be his wife.

I thought at 19 I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but at 19 I didn't even know what I was going to eat for lunch.  Would it have changed things now if I had said no?  Only God knows.  R and I were at different stages of our lives then, and we continued to be on different stages through out our marriage.  I guess I never caught up.  

There were bad times, none I will ever go into detail about, but there were also good times.  Good times that I will always have memories of, that no one can take away, that made me grow as a person.
However, during this year long separation I have grown and matured in a way I never thought possible either. Yet, I have also slipped and I have hit my "rock bottom" but I have never given up on myself.  Because for once, I have put myself first, and that's all I'm concerned with right now.

My Daddy told me once "Sometimes people come into your life for a purpose, and when that purpose is served you have to be okay with letting them go."  I was a teenager then, and I didn't understand or believe him then but I do now.  R will always be a stepping stone in my life, and for that I am grateful that the hard times accompanied the good.  I say this with the utmost respect, I would not be the woman I am today had I not spent over 7 years of my life with him.

Looking back I don't regret a single decision I made because I wouldn't be where I am today.  I do not have any ill feelings towards him and I genuilly want nothing but the best for him in his future endeavours and pray that the Lord will sorround him with love and place peace in his heart.


Jennifer Rice said...

Ashley, you have grown and matured a lot since the last time I saw you - many years ago. I have enjoyed seeing bits of your life via FB and so proud of you for pursuing your degree, following Jesus, and taking care of yourself. I can tell this was not easy to write and , of course, a difficult chapter in your life, but you did it beautifully and with a lot of maturity. Go with God and be blessed. With love, Jennifer

Fran @ Sassy Southern Bride said...

I've missed your posts, and I'm glad you're back!! This is a quote I really love (and may have helped me through a break up or two): "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning. ” -Louis L'Amour

Chrissie said...

So sorry to hear you have been going through such a tough time. It sounds like you are dealing with it maturely though, and I wish the best for you!

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