Follow your arrow

I don't always like to put my personal business out there, but sometimes you can't just help but want to vent.  Especially when you run a lifestyle-ish blog.  I'm pretty good at suppressing my feelings these days.  When I was younger, if something was wrong the entire world knew it.  Not because I was out for attention, but because I just didn't know how to act.  I didn't know how to accept life with the ups and downs, I didn't understand  God's reasons when I didn't see them, I didn't know how to be a big girl and deal with anything.  

As a child, I experienced my parents getting a divorce, my sweet Grammy dying too early in her life, and of course my first heart break in high school. In the past couple of years, Robert and I have survived 2 deployments. I moved to an entire new state by myself while he was deployed the first time and I didn't have any family or best friends within 4 hours of me.  I've started a new big girl job, I worked and studied full time to get into the nursing program, and now I'm in the most important program that will get me to the first step of my career.  

I'm not ashamed to admit this, because it's human;

 I care what people think about me.  JUST BECAUSE. 

I've contemplated back and forth on whether or not I should continue after this degree and get my Doctorate.  I've contemplated on whether or not I want to move to a big city or go back home to my roots in the country.  I can't decide on what to wear sometimes because it can look a little too flashy, or maybe a little too grungy.  I can't decide if I want to let my hair go natural on a Monday, or lose a little sleep to straighten it. I watch my tongue around some people, because God forbid my white trashy side come out at the wrong time. I mean the list can go on and on when it comes to the things I think about and actually consider in my head.  

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I think there comes a point in your life when you just get tough skin.  When you stop letting the small stuff affect your mood and you basically just suck it all up.  You learn to stop caring what people think and you learn to do what the hell you want. I've come to realize that there's not always tomorrow, and the problems you have today aren't going to matter to you in 10 years. At the end of the day, all you have is you.  You're all that matters.

So do what you want to do.  Be who you want to be. 

This song by Kacey Musgraves,  man this song

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.  

So you might as well just do whatever you want. 

 Every time I hear it, I think of my Grammy.  There's not a day that goes by that I wish I couldn't pick up the phone and hear her voice.  She was a woman of God without a doubt, but when I hear this song I just hear her.  She died when I was 14, so it kills me she isn't around for the hard stuff. Ya know, the "real world" stuff.  I'm thankful for the 14 years she blessed me with her presence.

Today would have been her 71st birthday. 

And today, from this moment on, I'm going to start living the life I know she would be proud of.  I'm done with the bull crap.  I'm done with the people who bring pure negativity into my life.  I'm done with the people who bring me down more than bring me up.  I'm living my life for me. Because if my Grammy had one last birthday wish to make, I know it would be for my happiness.

I know she would wish for me to be content and follow my arrow. 

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel.
I love you more than all of the stars in the sky.

If I could have saved you,
you would have lived forever.