The Ugly Truth

I'm 23 years old and I'm getting a divorce. 

It took some time before I could ever even get those words out of my mouth.  Before it was, "we're just spending time apart", and then onto "I'm separated", and now onto the words I never thought I'd hear myself say;  "I'm getting a divorce."

Before I even get started, I want to make it clear that I am not here to bash him.  By my lack of posts and Instagram postings, some of you have caught on.  I've talked with my family and friends, but sometimes all I want to do is just write about it.  I've contemplated for some time about posting this, it's been a draft since December of last year. Not that it's anyone's business but mine and his, I just needed to get this off my chest so that maybe unanswered questions will be answered to some concerned people.

R and I had been together since I was 16 years old.  The share of the same last name is what started our conversation, and it wasn't long until we started talking more and more and eventually dating.  R was in college when I was still in high school, so seeing each other was limited to the weekends where we often worked together.  We were inseparable.  That's all I can say to describe the first four years.

At a very young age,  I promised myself I wouldn't get married until I had my degree.  It wasn't just because I wanted to be able to support myself if anything happened, but because getting a degree takes time...time needed to grow up, mature, and learn about life in addition to beginning your career.  Things that are supposed to happen before you get married.  Or at least that's how I envisioned it.  But, at 19 years old I said "yes" at Disney World when he asked me to be his wife.

I thought at 19 I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but at 19 I didn't even know what I was going to eat for lunch.  Would it have changed things now if I had said no?  Only God knows.  R and I were at different stages of our lives then, and we continued to be on different stages through out our marriage.  I guess I never caught up.  

There were bad times, none I will ever go into detail about, but there were also good times.  Good times that I will always have memories of, that no one can take away, that made me grow as a person.
However, during this year long separation I have grown and matured in a way I never thought possible either. Yet, I have also slipped and I have hit my "rock bottom" but I have never given up on myself.  Because for once, I have put myself first, and that's all I'm concerned with right now.

My Daddy told me once "Sometimes people come into your life for a purpose, and when that purpose is served you have to be okay with letting them go."  I was a teenager then, and I didn't understand or believe him then but I do now.  R will always be a stepping stone in my life, and for that I am grateful that the hard times accompanied the good.  I say this with the utmost respect, I would not be the woman I am today had I not spent over 7 years of my life with him.

Looking back I don't regret a single decision I made because I wouldn't be where I am today.  I do not have any ill feelings towards him and I genuilly want nothing but the best for him in his future endeavours and pray that the Lord will sorround him with love and place peace in his heart.

I may or may not be back to blogging.

Some of my friends have described me as being shy when I first meet someone.  I don't talk to you just because you're sitting next to me, but if you approach me first I'm basically an open book.  With that being said, I typically don't talk about my faith voluntarily.  However, if someone asks me... I tell them about my God.  Last night, I saw this quote whilst  studying   procrastinating   on Pinterest and couldn't help but make my own image and share with you what it means to me. 

This hits so hard, not only as a Christian, but also as a future nurse.  As a student, you're normally blinded when you enter the clinical setting for the first time.  What you have studied and forced yourself to do step by step isn't what you actually see be done by every nurse, every time. Here in my happy, little invincible bubble, I get a little heart broken when I see not so happy things happen. I haven't lived a sheltered life at ALL. Trust me. I wasn't the teenager you wanted your kids to be around, remember ? Since, I've "grown up" I've tried to find the good in everyone and  believe that everyones tries to lives by the golden rule.  Well, my bubble was finally busted after a year of nursing school. 

I've witnessed a few things that I don't want to be necessarily associated with in the clinical setting already. As nurses, it's not our place to judge. It's our place to care for, comfort, and teach that patient. Just as it is our place as Christians to care for one another, comfort, and spread the good word. I'm not perfect by any means. Your strength is probably my struggle. It's easy to want to focus on and point out other's mistakes when we're struggling ourselves. Even if you appear to have a picture perfect life, everyone has a struggle... regardless if it's noticeable or not. It's important to remember we're people from all walks of life, and we haven't all been dealt the same hand or blessed with the same opportunities. 

We shouldn't care why or how a patient could do something destructive to themselves, just as we shouldn't judge someone for their preferences or decisions they may make. But, we can pray that they know what forgiveness is, that God will influence their mind and hearts, and that your compassion will speak volumes.  We can find out why our "frequent flyer" patient is not complying with their medication regimen with the intent to help.  We can teach them prevention, offer advice on useful tips and techniques, or simply provide resources that can better be useful for that particular patient. We can't assume every patient knows the pathophysiology, clinical manifestations, or complications that can occur with their disease.  Just because we have a medical education doesn't mean they do too.  Just as we can't assume every person knows right from wrong, or believes that there is a heaven or hell.  But we can share our testimonies, answer their questions or find someone who can, and just offer ourselves.

As important as we think we are, when it is all said and done, our opinions don't matter. But God's does. We're lucky that he loves us enough to give us a choice. Only God can decide who makes it into his kingdom, our only service is to witness to and love them as Jesus loves us. 

The struggles I've been faced with lately could knock me down and easily turn out for the worst.  But as each day goes by, I'm learning better ways to deal with them.  I think this was one of them.  I guess you can say I'm back to blogging now. 

P.S. thank you Aubrey for the font freebies 

Be you.

So, I did in fact fall off the side of the earth.  And in my opinion, for perfectly good reasons.  I not only quit blogging, I quit doing a lot of things I used to do.  Every day I'm discovering more and more about myself that I never thought would be imaginable.  I'm feeling a little Carrie Bradshaw these days.

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I thought I loved this, I thought I loved that.  This once made me happy but now it just makes me want to barf. I put myself out there just to be shut down. I don't give myself enough credit half the time, I'm a lot stronger than I think apparently because I know God would never give me something I couldn't handle. I came to the realization that I've lived my entire life making someone else happy. Am I being selfish? Perhaps. But you only have one life, and I'm most certainly going to make mine count. I've got dreams, I've got flaws, and I've got a whole mess of crap to talk about. trust me when I say, this bird you can not change. 

This post is semi pointless and I'm just rambling, I know. But these days, I'm just trying to survive nursing school with my head ABOVE water on top of everything else going on.  I go to school, I go to clinicals, I study, I work, and I sleep.  That's about it.  I've become a hermit, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.  I am pretty much bad at every life/social role there is imaginable. When things get hard, I shut down and depend on time to heal it all.  But, I'm a good student. and that's about all I've got going for me.  I may let a lot of relationships fall off the side of the earth, but I pray I never lose the ability to strive to learn. I pray I never stop wanting to push myself as far as I can go.  I want nothing more than to finish nursing school, begin my career, and go back to school for more.

I'm so thankful nursing school brought me some of the best friends that understand me to the core and push me when I need it and talk me down when I don't.  We spend just about every moment of every day together.  We break down, we piss each other off, we lift each other up. and that's when you really get to know someone. 

 Sometimes you fall off the wagon, but we do what we have to do to get each other through.
That's what life is all about, and that's when you really get to know yourself.

Today's the best day to do some random rambling post and attempt to not neglect blogging because it's 

and I may not necessarily be backing it up like most of you,
but I am listening to the song that connects me and my Daddy at the soul.



The past few months have been unimaginable, but I listen to this song and all is right in the world. I miss my family more than words, but all I have to do is look down at my wrist, see my Daddy's handwriting, and I'm reminded of who I am.

sassy, classy, white trashy, and smart assey.

It's OK Thursday still, dawg.

So, one of my favorite link ups used to be It's OK Thursday with Amber...but it ended a few months ago.  With all that's going on in my life, I feel it be necessary to tell you WHAT I'M OK WITH.  For the sake that I haven't posted in almost 2 weeks because
a) there are not enough cuss words to write about what's going on
b) it's not even worth saying
c) I've been busy as a beeeeeeeee!


So, guess what, it's almost 2am and that's ok.

It's OK...

• that I have class in 6 hours and I haven't gone to bed
• that I run away from my problems, and take trips home every chance I get
• that I still can't accept Kidd Kraddick died :(
• that I release stress at the batting cages
  
  
  
• that I spend almost less than zero time following anyone on any form of social media or blogging while I deal with my junk
• that I haven't washed my hair in a few days
• that I bought Blurred Lines on iTunes just so I can make it the ringtone for my alarm... EVERYBODY GET UP!
• that you're probably about to do the same thing... it works, you're welcome
• that I'm actually excited for a full 8 hours of class tomorrow
• that I crave structure and never let myself rest
  
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• that I miss home more than anything and I'm counting down the Christmases until I'm out of this place
• that I still have trouble communicating emotions
• that I'm going to bed with my makeup on
• that I need new episodes of Duck Dynasty in my life
• that I read bible verses and inspirational quotes from my favorite historical men on a DAILY basis 
• that I get most of my nutrition from coffee, cheerios, and fiber one bars these days
• that I wish I could be on the Today Show with KLG so she could just tell me "this is how you lose your reputation, one shot at a time" as I shoot a Jameson and chase it with wine
• that this might be the last post for awhile...

holy hell, batman

The events that have taken place in my life in the past 6 weeks are purely unblogable.  Are you familiar with Murphy's Law? Let's just say that mother freakin' law has been all up in my junk just doing it's thing, hanging out, waiting for me to fall apart.  I admit a few times I've pitch a fit, tipped it on back, watched the Notebook and cried.  But, I'm still kickin'.  For the sake that I haven't posted in a hot minute, I wanted to try to at least get in a few this week by starting off with Sunday Social.

that's what she said

1. What are 3 items you can't live without on a daily basis (water, food, shelter, and clothes don't count)

Coffee, Chapstick, and of course my iPhone. Shocker.   

2. What is your all time favorite book? Why?

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  If you saw the movie and haven't read the book, then you're missing out on life.  If you read the book before the movie ever even surfaced, I like you.  An excerpt from this book is self explanatory as to why it is my favorite book.  It is life changing.  

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"I am alone, I am all alone, I am completely alone.

Grasping this reality, I let go of my bag, drop to my knees and press my forehead against the floor. There, I offer up to the universe a fervent prayer of thanks.

First in English.

Then in Italian.

And thenójust to get the point acrossóin Sanskrit.

And since I am already down there in supplication on the floor, let me hold that position as I reach back in time three years earlier to the moment when this entire story beganóa moment which also found me in this exact same posture: on my knees, on a floor, praying." 

3. What is something you'd like to accomplish before the end of 2013?

I would't hate giving into the Lizard and toning my jiggly thunder thighs and tightening #datazz.  But more than anything, I can't wait to complete my first full year of nursing school.  Which means, after 2013 I have ONE year left. Finally, I will be done with school for a little while! 

4. If you could go back and relive any year of your life which year would it be?
2004 so I could spend and cherish every last moment with my Grammy while she was still alive.  I'd also relive 2008, my senior year of high school.  Not only because it was obviously the best time of my life, but because I would have changed a few decisions that could possibly alter the way things are now.  

5. What do you wish people knew about you without you having to tell them?

I'm incredibly sarcastic and I live to laugh. I mean no harm, so stop crying and stop runnin' ya mouf! 

Tybee Sunset

I bet you didn't know my favorite thing in the entire world is watching the sunrise/sunset on a body of water?  Alright, you probably did.  My life has been absolutely cray-cray lately.  But by the overflow of seriousness or lack of posts lately, you probably knew that, too.  It's just one thing after another! I know God is eventually going to throw me a break, I know one day I'll be able to breathe again.  all will be good in the hood for me if you will.

On any given day, I usually don't like to be alone.  I run from my problems and when I'm alone I think.  Thinking means facing your problems and I just don't do that too well.  If you haven't noticed, sarcasm is my defense mechanism.  Ya know...laughing?  Yeah, I'm pretty good at that. It's my thing. If you ain't laughing, you ain't living. And ain't nobody got time for dat.

On this particular day, I couldn't laugh though.  I had a million things going through my head, a to-do list a mile long, time was running out and no matter what I did, I couldn't breathe.  All of the time in the world wouldn't be enough for me to do what needed to be done.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I surely didn't want to think about or discus any options (and don't call me Shirley). I just wanted time to stand still for one second so I could breathe. I needed the beach.  I needed to stick my toes in the water, sit my butt in that hot sand, and face the simple fact that I'm alone.

I really just planned on sitting there until I could courage up enough strength to get back up and face my reality.  My intent was to miraculously learn how to turn that emotional switch of mine back on and turn off my ability to not give a crap anymore when I've had enough.  However, someone had other plans for me.  I remembered I had my camera and the sun was starting to lower.  Perfection.  I ate pizza and had a brewsky, I switched up some lenses, and I played around with sunset/twilight settings for a bit as the sun came down over the sand dunes.  I made sure I soaked up the beauty of that sunset without only looking through the lens though.

I didn't leave there with all my of life problems solved.  My to-do list was a mile longer than it was before, I discovered a cavity, and I had the dirtiest feet to accompany the sand in my eyes.  But, I could breathe again.  For two hours, I could take enough deep breaths to get me to the next day.  Tomorrow is always a new day.  For two hours, I was able to put my problems on the back burner and focus my attention on my relationship with God and my purpose in this life he gave me.  It's hard, and at times I just want to scream, to pout, and have a full on Walmart toddler tantrum.  But I know that although this may feel like the end of the world for me, it's not.  I may not be the most religious person to ever walk this earth, and I'll be the first to admit I don't always act as a Christian should...but, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a God that loves me and there's nothing he won't throw at me that I can't handle.  

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My mother did a remarkable job at raising a strong, independent, and level headed woman.  I may have gave her a hard time and tested every area I could manage growing up.  But my Momma taught me to fight for what I want, fight for what I believe in, fight for what is right.  and I'll be danged if I'm going let her down now.  

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I will overcome this, it's that simple.  

Coffee Dates with my PA

I'm late to the party, but better late and drunk than never anyways, right? And it's also okay to only post today for the sole purpose of backing that azz up, right? I thought so! Man, I'm 2 for 2 today.  I will also include pictures of the current scenic view that is just within miles of where I've been laying my head down at night these days.  You're welcome.

Indescribable, right?  That makes me 3 for 3. I just want to leave you with some food for thought before we start to #backthatazzup.  I'm a worrying mess these days, duh.  I probably always will be, too. But let's get one thing down.  I went for my 3 month check up this morning and my PA and I have more of a coffee chit chat meeting than an actual follow up.  My PA and I are from the same ole small area back in North Carolina, so it's no surprise we instantly bonded.  We share the same interests in extracurricular actives and obviously, have a love for the practice of medicine.  

Today during our coffee catch up date, she broke the news that she was leaving this practice.  My heart broke, she's been my PCM for all of the 3 years I've been in Savannah.  I'll probably never have another provider that I connect with like that.  But anyways, we talk about my journey with school a lot, and she today told me one thing I will never, ever forget..."You may take a few unintended detours along the way, but you will ultimately end up where you are needed and are meant to be."  If there's one thing she wanted me to remember about this last talk, it was that no matter what, believe in myself as she does me, and above all...finish school, be the best damn DNP I can be, and take care of myself before anyone else.  

Isn't it ironic how God selects the most random people in your life to speak through?  And isn't it crazy how I hear my Grammy, too?  You know your parents believe in you, your friends, loved ones, whatever.  But to hear it from someone who is really just your PCM, who could probably give two hoots about your personal life, that's inspiration.  I'm so thankful to have had the best PA in Savannah to provide me with such encouraging words the past few years.  

So, time to get to it.  I was gonna add a different song to correlate more with those beautiful pictures.  But, it seems more appropriate to just use the song my PA coffee date of mine brought up today.  Basically, us Carolina girls can get hood when the time comes.  We ain't just country.  I suppose I'll keep it clean though :) 

Follow your arrow

I don't always like to put my personal business out there, but sometimes you can't just help but want to vent.  Especially when you run a lifestyle-ish blog.  I'm pretty good at suppressing my feelings these days.  When I was younger, if something was wrong the entire world knew it.  Not because I was out for attention, but because I just didn't know how to act.  I didn't know how to accept life with the ups and downs, I didn't understand  God's reasons when I didn't see them, I didn't know how to be a big girl and deal with anything.  

As a child, I experienced my parents getting a divorce, my sweet Grammy dying too early in her life, and of course my first heart break in high school. In the past couple of years, Robert and I have survived 2 deployments. I moved to an entire new state by myself while he was deployed the first time and I didn't have any family or best friends within 4 hours of me.  I've started a new big girl job, I worked and studied full time to get into the nursing program, and now I'm in the most important program that will get me to the first step of my career.  

I'm not ashamed to admit this, because it's human;

 I care what people think about me.  JUST BECAUSE. 

I've contemplated back and forth on whether or not I should continue after this degree and get my Doctorate.  I've contemplated on whether or not I want to move to a big city or go back home to my roots in the country.  I can't decide on what to wear sometimes because it can look a little too flashy, or maybe a little too grungy.  I can't decide if I want to let my hair go natural on a Monday, or lose a little sleep to straighten it. I watch my tongue around some people, because God forbid my white trashy side come out at the wrong time. I mean the list can go on and on when it comes to the things I think about and actually consider in my head.  

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I think there comes a point in your life when you just get tough skin.  When you stop letting the small stuff affect your mood and you basically just suck it all up.  You learn to stop caring what people think and you learn to do what the hell you want. I've come to realize that there's not always tomorrow, and the problems you have today aren't going to matter to you in 10 years. At the end of the day, all you have is you.  You're all that matters.

So do what you want to do.  Be who you want to be. 

This song by Kacey Musgraves,  man this song

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.  

So you might as well just do whatever you want. 

 Every time I hear it, I think of my Grammy.  There's not a day that goes by that I wish I couldn't pick up the phone and hear her voice.  She was a woman of God without a doubt, but when I hear this song I just hear her.  She died when I was 14, so it kills me she isn't around for the hard stuff. Ya know, the "real world" stuff.  I'm thankful for the 14 years she blessed me with her presence.

Today would have been her 71st birthday. 

And today, from this moment on, I'm going to start living the life I know she would be proud of.  I'm done with the bull crap.  I'm done with the people who bring pure negativity into my life.  I'm done with the people who bring me down more than bring me up.  I'm living my life for me. Because if my Grammy had one last birthday wish to make, I know it would be for my happiness.

I know she would wish for me to be content and follow my arrow. 

Happy Birthday, my sweet angel.
I love you more than all of the stars in the sky.

If I could have saved you,
you would have lived forever.